The Shadow Self

 

The judgement, the sadness, the doubting, the insecurity, the worthlessness, the fear, the defeated self, the failure, the unmoving corpse, and the unwillingness that simmers up slowly and finally comes to a boil. I wonder if we put these things together in a pot subconsciously and when the boil, they burn us down, burn us out and destroy everything in our way. We sometimes fail to realize that it destroys the weaker part of ourselves every time we visit this boiling point.

Those who follow me often will report that every so often I will deep dive into a severe depressive, nearly suicidal tantrum. Everytime rejuvenated after weeks of sulking in it to recover as if it never happened. I would love to be diagnosed with BiPolar disorder ANY DAY NOW to give what is wrong with me a human name. However, everytime I have these bouts of darkness, I find something.

Like a diver who goes into the ocean looking for something specific, can't help but find other fascinating, interesting, beautiful things on the way. It's like every time I need an answer, or solution, or motivation to transform things for the better, I seem to take a DIVE into my soul, spirit and universal world and this black hole is always there. It will always be there, like a vortex between me and the answer. This heavy smokescreen that clouds my vision of the possibility of an answer or future, that makes me believe it is the end, but it never is. This very persuasive, dramatic, theatre of lies, loud music and suggestive demise. The Darkness, the Shadow.

Oh, nobody cares! Don't they?